Tuesday, January 17, 2012

We're Having a Baby!!!

How awesome it feels to finally be able to belt the words out "we're having a baby" and with confidence! 

Pull up chair...I'll explain....

2011 started out being such a rough year for us. My Grandfather was in and out of the hospital with heart complications, a close friend of our family passed away from cancer, my Grandmothers dog of 16 years had to be put to sleep, my Father had to have surgery, my Father-in-Law was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver, and my Aunt had an infection in her intestines. It also seemed like every time I turned around some one I knew or have met either was diagnosed with a severe illness, passed away or was going through financial difficulties and I had two failed pregnancies that ended in miscarriages.

Although 2011 started out not being a good year...it did end on a good note and many blessings. My Grandfather is now doing better, my Aunt is back to par, my Father-in-Law was told he would need a liver transplant in the future, but as of now he does not need to be put on waiting list, my Father recovered well from surgery, my Grandparents are getting to a place where they are over mourning the death of their beloved dog...and we are having a baby!! But during all those ups and downs of 2011 I was reminded of something....that we are not promised good health, or life tomorrow, or that we will not have financial difficulties or happiness always. We are not guaranteed our jobs, our next months mortgage payment, if our cars will make it to see 125,000 miles, or even if a little flicker of life on an ultrasound will develop into a bundle of joy. A wise woman once told me "the only thing we are ever guaranteed in this life time is our salvation in Jesus Christ." Boy aren't they right. So with all of that being said...we are so overjoyed in having a baby...and we can say this with perfect confidence...that even though we are not guaranteed of this little blessing growing inside of me being here tomorrow...we can boldly say that with the Lord all things are possible! If we just place our trust in Him and His promises He will never fail us, and because He lives...we can face tomorrow.

I'll go into a little more detail...but have to warn you...this may take some time....

Nick and I started trying for a little Travaglini in Janurary 2011. We were so excited with little thoughts of bambinos running around the house. I think I got baby fever like INSTANTLY...and started picking out names, and nursery ideas and I wasn't even pregnant yet. I guess I thought it wouldn't take that long. Well.... I didn't get alarmed when ole aunt flow came just 28 days later... disappointed...but not alarmed. I have been told that it took some couples months to conceive. So next month we tried again...and then the following...and then tried again a couple more months and of course I started getting a little worried and panic stricken. Everyone kept saying "oh it will happen, just don't try so hard"...ok...like what ever do you mean by that?!! Lol...how do you not try?! I didn't get it...but Nick was confident that it just wasn't time yet and that when the Lord saw fit He would bless us with a little life. I knew that too so deeply in my heart, but I was too anxious and impatient to wait upon Him. Especially when so many friends were announcing their pregnancies....I was completely happy for them...but second guessing myself.

Finally, end of April rolled around and aunt flo never came. I took a pregnancy test and sure enough those 2 pink little lines appeared. I was ecstatic...Nick was too! It seemed as if  we immediately began shouting from the roof tops "we're having a baby!!!". But little did we know a week and half later...I would miscarry. It was devastating emotionally, and also disheartening to see our families disappointed and in grief. I kept thinking it was all my fault, and I must of done something wrong. There hasn't been a grandchild on both side of our families for almost 12 years so I believe that our families were let down and it panged me to see them that way. But after a few days of mourning, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and carried on with my eyes fixed on the Lord knowing that He had a plan. I had to remind myself that He knew our hearts and our desire was to be parents. He put those desires there...so He will fulfill them in due season. So we chalked that one up to timing and carried on...sad...but hopeful.

A couple weeks later Nick and I went on a week trip with some very close friends to get away, relax and enjoy each other. Winded up conceiving again right away on that trip. Didn't know that was possible. I never even had a menstrual period after the miscarriage (sorry gentlemen TMI if your reading this). Took a test upon returning home from vacation...and yet again...the two beloved pink lines appeared. I smiled so brightly, but apart of me was guarded this time, and I believe Nick was too. It was hard trying to maintain our composure with not shouting it out to everyone "we're having a baby....again" because at this point it seemed as if we were "crying wolf". It also seemed as if our families were not getting too excited either, which hurt a little, but we totally understood, they were just trying to remain strong for us.

 We winded up going to our first appointment at 7 weeks...nervous...shaky...anxious, and I will have to admit...I wasn't very hopeful. We were only in the ultrasound room it seemed for like 10 minutes. It all happened so fast...a blur. The doctor on call that day came in to perform the ultrasound...he seemed very cold, heartless, and lifeless. Pretty much came into the room, slapped his gloves on (I don't even think he said anything to us)...performed the ultrasound...took his gloves off...turned off the screen...sat me up and said "well...it isn't going to work out this time and let's perform a D&C tomorrow afternoon". I thought "you crazy, stupid, heartless idiot". I truly wanted to slap him across the face. The way he talked...there was no compassion, it was almost as if this was an animal he was referring to and not a precious life that we longed for. We left there in shock, and confused on what to do, but one thing was for sure....was that I knew  I would never return to that doctor's office again. I also knew I didn't want a D&C...I just didn't feel comfortable with that measure. 

Later that afternoon, Nick called me at work and said that he thought we should wait it out and get a second opinion. I was skeptical at first, but let him lead in that decision. A week later the Lord winded up bringing us to an absolute blessing of a doctor in uptown Charlotte. He was kind, compassionate, sincere about what he does, and patient. At our first visit he had all of my medical records transferred over and he brought us in his office and I swany we were in there for like 2 hours...he layed out all of my medical records across his desk...and went over step by step from the first time we tried to conceive in January all the way through the first miscarriage, to now. He discussed history of previous medical diagnosis, family history, our daily activities, our jobs, our families etc. He really took the time to get to know us on a personal level and that mean't so much to us. We weren't just some patient id number. He made us feel very comfortable and now there was a level of trust that we have never experienced with any doctor. He was in complete shock when we explained to him how we were treated from the previous doctor especially with the underlying conditions and situation. 

A few days later he performed his own ultrasound and blood work. At the first ultrasound we did see a flicker of life from the fetal pole...which brought us to tears, but also saw that there were two yolk sacs at one point, which one never developed a fetal pole. It would of been identical twins if both progressed. Our new doctor thinks that the previous doctor did not notice the other yolk sac with presence of life. After the ultrasound I could tell my doctor was somewhat hopeful, and to ease our minds and spirits he called us in over a serious of days for more blood work and a couple more weeks for updated ultrasounds. At the second ultrasound there was no progression in size of the remaining yolk sac/fetal pole and by the last ultrasound visit we were told that the flicker of life had stopped. It was disappointing, and completely devastating as well...

I guess I just never thought we would be in this situation. I was a healthy average woman, never had an irregular pap smear, no history of medical issues, my Mother and Grandmother both had easy wonderful pregnancies...I thought what is wrong with me Lord?!?! When we got married, Nick and I talked about having children one day and how many we longed for....never the thought of "oh if I can't get pregnant or what if I miscarry" occured in our conversations. As a child you never even dream of that happeneing either. It's such a heartbreaking thing to go through and I sincerely feel  for every woman that has gone through it.

 The doctor really eased our minds in stating the statistics on miscarriages, and showed us so much compassion as I wept tears in his office. He then suggested taking some measures as far as testing. He also discussed with us how I wanted to proceed with inducing the failed pregnancy. We discussed all those options and which one would be best for me. I opted for a pill "Misoprostol", and he gave me some pain killers along side. I informed him that I would wait till after the weekend because that Saturday was my birthday and I didn't want to remember my 26th birthday as miscarrying. He completely understood...and on Monday afternoon he called and checked on me to see how everything went. It was so reassuring to have a doctor that cared enough to take time out of their day to check on their patient. The miscarriage was rough and I had minor contractions. Doctor told me it would feel like minor labor pain, so thankful for the pain killers cause they did help a ton. I remember those couple of days just lying on the couch praying and asking the Lord to answer our prayers and keep me hopeful and to give us peace. After that we went through a few blood test, Nick and I both, and everything came back 100% normal. So doctor felt at this point, lets give trying to conceive a rest and that's what we did for a few months.....and in October of only one time of trying to conceive since miscarriage we were pregnant again!!!

Of course we were nervous....extremely anxious, but this time I was a hopeful. Going through what we went through was a testing of faith and perseverance. I felt my relationship with Lord was rocky, at times I had severe doubts, I went through little bouts of depression, I second guessed who He was, but during all of the miscarriages that we went through the Lord held my hand every step of the way and that is also when the wise woman told me "only thing in life we are ever guaranteed is our salvation." They couldn't be more right. We aren't promised tomorrow, but can place our assurance that with Christ He holds our future and He "knows the plans He has for us...which are not to harm us but, to bring us hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11...some one also told me during the second miscarriage, "Corey you are more worried about losing the baby with every pregnancy instead of just thanking the Lord everyday that He has blessed you with this little life. You should cherish every waking day, and every week that passes that you get to spend just one more moment with this precious little one inside of you." That persons words spoke volumes to me...and that is what I strive to do daily with this pregnancy. 

Praise God we are now 14 weeks...and every day I thank Him that He has brought us this far. Scared...yes...nervous....yes....hopeful....yes....worried....of course. But I know the Lord is holding our hands and walking us through this pregnancy every step of the way. We are extremely thankful for the many friends and our families that have lifted us up in prayer, offered up encouragement, and checked on us constantly. It has mean't so much to us. Especially for those that have been where we are. They have been such a spiritual and inspirational rock. There are so many joys of pregnancy  and so thankful that with each passing ultrasound...or week...or month of having this little one in my womb it is a milestone to be celebrated!

Being pregnant is seriously one of the most humbling, and beautiful things I have ever experienced. The expanding of your waist line,  the constant headaches, uncontrollable food cravings, the sour stomach, and nausea out the ying-yang. The food aversions and going cold turkey on caffeine....and not just any ole caffeine but STARBUCKS coffee caffeine. The hot flashes at night, the sleepless nights, taking endless amounts of naps on lunch breaks, after work, and in between school assignments.The fact that my body will never be the same again, the fact that our lives will change and I will get a new name "mom". The fact that my relationship with my husband will change and we will no longer be just husband and wife, but also parents! A new edition will be added on our insurance policy, a new account will be added to our bank statement, the vacant room in our house will no longer be empty, but will be filled with laughter, sounds of little footsteps, and toys galore. My car will no longer be my car, but the family car. I can no longer sleep in late, or think about what just me and hubby will eat for dinner tonight. The laundry will expand, and so will the dishes in our sink.  But oh how I look forward to all of that and so much more! 

We feel so unbelievably blessed beyond measure that the Lord showed favor on us and entrusted us with such a precious gift. Reminds me of a verse in old testament "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." - Psalm 127:3. 

Every child that is conceived or born is a perfect gift from above. Every time I walk by a pregnant woman at church, or the mall, or at work, or the store, I just smile, because the Lord showed favor regardless of the situation, or outcome. He is knitting a precious little one in their sacred womb and that is something to be so thankful for. But, also for those that can not carry, for some medical reason, He still shows His undying grace, love, and compassion, by allowing one to adopt such a precious gift. Oh the miracle of life is to be cherished and should never be taken for granted. It is He the beautiful creator of life that does what He does best...creates...and how beautiful it is.

So on ending thoughts, keep us in constant prayer please! I am due July 15th which is a day before my birthday. So hoping for July 16th to be Baby Trav's arrival...but at this point I will just be overjoyed and happy for the little one to be here in our arms and healthy. So excited for motherhood and all the joys that comes along with it. So excited to see what they will be and what God does with their life. 2011 started out rough...but ended on an awesome note...and 2012 will be the reward...because with the Lord...all things are possible and because He lives...we can face tomorrow.

We're having a baby.......oh what a joy it will be!