Have you ever had one of those tension headaches. You know the kind where it throbs behind your eyes and seeps up around the sides of your temples and shoots down the back of your neck? You can't lay down. As bad as you want to cry from the headache you can't even shed a tear because it will make it worse. You try ice, and then a hot shower. You pop a few pain pills and finally, finally it eases up and that moment that it does you feel like you can now breathe a sigh of relief...for a moment, but then you realize your sore. Your head and neck are sore. Your eyes are tired and you are plain worn out and exhausted, but, the tension is gone.
I feel like this has been my life over last 4 or 5 months. One big tension headache. It finally let up this morning, but man, I am so sore from it. I am tired. I'm worn out.
Last few months or so, I have been wrestling and battling so much. Trying to find my place in friendships. Trying to trust Him in the direction that He has for our family and what place He has for me specifically in His kingdom. Carrying the heartaches, pains and the devastating news of others, all the while, feeling like I am trying to keep others around me a float and encouraged, and in all honesty, needing it so desperately for myself.
This season I found myself several times mad at God. I have never been mad at the Lord before. Never. Even after several pregnancy losses, loss of family members, and things I have had to endure in my walk with the Lord I have never been frustrated or upset or mad at my God. I have often encouraged others to trust and lean upon Him. To keep their eyes on the cross and to turn everything over into His hands when they have felt angry or confused or frustrated with His plans, and for the first time I am having to preach all of this to myself. Daily having to tell God that I am sorry and ask for forgiveness for being so angry with Him, even when I clearly know what His word says about His goodness and love, I have found that in this season I am having to battle with resting in all of that.
With all of that said, this season I am learning that God can handle that. He can handle me being mad at Him. He can handle my frustrations at His plans. He can handle my emotional outbursts, my sensitivities, the absolutely tender touchy parts of my heart. The immaturity of my little finite human brain at times. He can handle all of that. He actually gladly wants me to be open with Him about that. When we can fully come before Him broken and all poured out, nothing left to give, and truly allow ourselves to be real with God then He can start truly working in us. Refining work. Hard, pressed, shifting, digging, and drilling into the wells of our souls. Clearing, cleaning, purifying and scraping out the well walls. Doing hard manual labor. Sanctifying work.
(This type of work I had prayed for over the summer, and let me just tell you saints...don't ask God to break your heart and sift it if you ain't ready.)
This morning as I was sitting down to try and do my devotions after breakfast I had tears just streaming down my face. The tension was just too much. I tried hard to not let my son see me, but he did. He left his little trucks and cars that he had been playing with and ran over to me, and gave me the biggest hug and kissed me several times, and said, "Oh, mommy. It ok mommy."
In that moment is where the tension left. In that moment I felt my heart being opened to surrendering to His work.
It that moment I felt the Lord wrap His arms around me, and tell me, "my child, it's going to be ok."
Friends, I just have to tell you that whatever you are struggling with in this season of life...please know that everything is going to be ok. Whether you are mad at God, you are suffering loss, you are battling depression, or anxiety, financial problems, a broken marriage, a strained relationship or maybe just difficulty trying to figure out where He wants you to be in life and in His kingdom. You may feel like your life is just one big tension headache with all this pressure and there has been no relief. Please know, and rest in the fact that It will eventually let up. It will pass. This too shall pass. Just be open to His leading. Surrender your heart over. God loves you. He made you. He can handle it. Whatever it is.
He can handle it.
Now that the tension has let up...I feel worn out, sore and exhausted. But, nonetheless, the tension is gone. I know God can begin to heal and continue to work in my heart. Sanctifying work, and I'm ready.
Prayer: God, you are so faithful and so patient with us. In your forbearance Lord, You sit so quietly and patiently and lets us throw these knock down tantrums in our strong will that we tend to sometimes have. Our hearts can not be more grateful and thankful for that. Thank you for handling all of that. Thank you for being a God that can handle the raw and the rough. The broken and the beautiful. The dark and weak parts of our hearts. Thank you for your faithfulness for GREAT it is! God continue your sanctifying work in our lives. Lord, create in us hearts that beat at the sound of your voice alone. In your word it says that in you Lord we move and breathe and have our being. Help us to rest in that. To rest in your unfailing love you have for us. Help us to trust you with our whole lives, with every turn and direction. With every single part God we give it all over to you, and help us to rely upon your holy spirit to guide us in all of our ways. In your name. Amen